There have been very few times in my young life when I'll be lying in my lonesome bed at night and really, truly begin to wonder if the things I am fighting for and aiming toward are worth all the pain and grief. What if I am just too stubborn to change my mind because I don't want to change my lifestyle or the people I depend on and put all my love and trust into? Will things really get better later? Everyone always says they will or they say everything happens for a reason. When they say it like that am I just suppose to all of the sudden feel better?! "Oh ok, I'm glad you told me that because I obviously did not know that before. Well if they are going to get better and are suppose to happen I guess I can just stop worrying now and just sit back and relax right?" That's what they make it sound like. Never do they mention the fact that you ever have to get off your ass and actually do something to fix it. I've been fighting for a long time and sometimes it's hard for me to just sit back and completely enjoy it. I'm thinking about all the upcoming battles that I might have to face.
Am I just holding onto my deepest hopes and dreams just praying and wishing that maybe, just maybe, if I stick it out through all this that they will actually come true? Will I ever really live that life I've always dreamed of. My biggest fear has always been that I wouldn't get married, now it's more complicated than that. I know that anyone can get married but I want to stay married and be happy. Never regretting the day that I said Yes. To know that we can overcome all obstacles, no matter how big they might be. To be able to count on my husband to be there for me at the end of the day, and more importantly, I want to be there for him. I want to be able to be that one special person he can always come to. However, I need to know that he actually needs me and wouldn't be able to do it on his own and even if he could, he wouldn't want to. To me,Love isn't the hopeless fear of not being able tolive without the one I love, but it's realizing that I wouldn't wantit any other way.
